Birthday Girl
by AFan17
Summary: Meredith birthday angst. Oneshot. Merder implied.


Title: Birthday Girl

Author: AFan17

Summary: It's Meredith's birthday. One shot. MerDer implied.

Disclaimer: Don't own anything. Just like to play. Song is Wonderful by Everclear.

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_I close my eyes when I get too sad  
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_I think thoughts that I know are bad  
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_Close my eyes and I count to ten  
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_Hope its over when I open them_

She's lying there in her bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering how things ever got to be this bad.

Her mother didn't love her, her father left her, and Derek, well, Derek broke her.

She wonders if anyone knows that it's her birthday, whether anyone really cares.

She can hear Izzie and George squabbling outside about bathroom privacy and naked rights.

She reaches for the pillow and attempts to drone out the world by smothering her ears.

No such luck, Izzie knocks on her door.

"Meredith, hurry up, we're going to be late."

She groans loudly, but manages to swing her legs to the side and get out of bed.

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_I want the things that I had before  
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_Like a star wars poster on my bedroom door  
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_I wish I could count to ten  
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_Make everything be wonderful again_

The ride to the hospital is the same as always.

She wonders if monotony and heartbreak can kill you.

Because if they can, she's surely dying.

They arrive at the hospital and Izzie and George jump out of the car.

She doesn't understand how they can be so happy, so satisfied with life.

But then again, they have family who remember when it's their birthdays.

They have parents who send cards.

It's only herself who has no one, who is alone in the world.

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_Hope my mom and I hope my dad  
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_Will figure out why they get so mad  
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_Hear them scream, I hear them fight  
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_They say bad words that make me wanna cry_

When she steps into the elevator Derek is standing there.

"Dr Stevens, Dr O'Malley, Meredith"

"Dr Shepherd"

Why does he insist on calling her by her first name?

Things have been awkward between them for some time now.

They'll never be friends.

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_Close my eyes when I go to bed  
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_And I dream of angels who make me smile  
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_I feel better when I hear them say  
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_Everything will be wonderful someday_

She lets herself daydream for that short period in the elevator.

Thinking of how things would be different if Addison never turned up.

Dreaming of Derek lavishing her with birthday gifts.

(That is if they ever managed to get out of bed).

She can see his smirk when he teases her of getting old.

And the face he makes when he pretends to be offended when she retorts by telling him that he's always going to be older than she is.

But daydreaming won't satisfy her.

She's all grown up and has to live in reality.

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_Promises mean everything when you're little  
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_And the worlds so big  
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_I just don't understand how  
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_You can smile with all those tears in your eyes  
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_Tell me everything is wonderful now_

The day passes slowly.

She is scheduled to a surgery with Burke.

She likes Burke. He's efficient and a good doctor.

He doesn't let emotions get in the way of his job.

She wishes she were more like him.

Wishes that every time she walks into the hospital, she doesn't think of Derek.

Wishes that she doesn't feel a stab of betrayal every time she sees him talk to Addison.

And wishes that she could at least hate Addison.

But Addison's not easy to hate.

She's smart, and she's beautiful, and she's a good doctor.

Meredith can't seem to do anything right.

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_I go to school and I run and play  
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_I tell the kids that its all okay  
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_I laugh aloud so my friends won't know  
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_When the bell rings I just don't wanna go home_

She eats lunch with Christina, Alex, Izzie and George.

None of them wish her happy birthday.

She could tell them, but that would be an effort.

If only she cared more.

But she's too broken to care.

She just wants to be alone.

So she finishes lunch quickly and goes to sit in an empty patient room.

No one finds her there.

No one is looking.

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_Go to my room and I close my eyes  
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_I make believe that I have a new life  
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_I don't believe you when you say  
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_Everything will be wonderful someday_

She's stuck in the pit doing sutures for the rest of the day.

She treats patient after patient.

She doesn't know their names.

Doesn't really care.

She does her job, and does it well.

They come into the hospital hurt.

And she fixes them.

But who fixes her?

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_Promises mean everything when you're little  
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_And the world is so big  
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_I just don't understand how  
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_You can smile with all those tears in your eyes  
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_When you tell me everything is wonderful now_

The day is slowly coming to an end.

She walks to the car to meet Izzie and George.

But instead finds a note on the car.

"Finished a little early, took a cab home- I & G"

So she drives home by herself.

She gets to the house.

And it's dark.

Maybe Izzie and George went someone.

Probably to Joe's.

Why didn't they invite her?

Did they finally realise she was a dirty ex-mistress who was going to infect everyone with her misery?

She opens the door.

And the light switches on.

"Surprise!"

Everyone's there.

Izzie and George and Christina and Alex. Even Bailey and Burke and Webber.

Christina looks less than impressed, with an awkward party hat stuck to her head.

Derek and Addison are standing in a corner.

And the happiness of the party is quashed.

She may have her friends but she'll never have him.

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_I don't wanna hear you say  
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_That I will understand someday  
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_I don't wanna hear you say  
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_You both have grown in a different way  
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_I don't wanna meet your friends  
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_And I don't wanna start over again  
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_I just want my life to be the same  
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_Just like it used to be  
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_Some days I hate everything  
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_I hate everything  
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_Everyone and everything  
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_Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now..._

There's so much food and drink and music.

Izzie baked a three-tiered birthday cake.

Surely they'll be consuming that for the next month.

Everyone's having a good time.

They don't notice that Meredith's sitting in the corner by herself.

She's so wrapped up in her own thoughts that she doesn't notice when Derek comes to sit by her.

"Happy Birthday Meredith"

"Thanks Derek"

"Have you had a good year?"

She looks at him, half amused.

"So this is what we've come to?"

"You know what I mean Meredith. Are you happy?"

Happy, an emotion quite abstract for her.

She remembers being happy the day her father took her fishing and swung her high into the air.

Remembers the feeling of complete and utter trust.

But then her memories blur into years of angst and heartbreak.

Her mommy was never there.

Her daddy left.

She hated school.

Hated the world.

But then she met Derek.

And she was happy again.

But now, now things have changed.

"No Derek, I'm not happy"

He looks at her with those McDreamy eyes.

And in a rare moment of honestly, opens up.

"I'm not happy either Meredith".

And she knows, that no matter what happens, they'll find their way back to one another.

FIN


End file.
